"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson
I've come across this quote twice in the past week or so. Once in the movie Akeelah and the Bee and then once more while trying to look up an inspirational quote to put on my My 365 Calendar. It occurs to me that it's the perfect place to start when looking for 2017 New Year's resolutions. I especially like the line: "Your playing small does not serve the world." I've always had the mindset to be small, invisible, and unheard because this (I believed) is the best way to avoid being wrong, humiliated, or hated. This way of living developed my personality traits -- some good, some bad. On the good side, I am very slow to judge or confront because I have to understand all angles of a situation. I have to absorb every single piece of evidence available before making a move. I have to look inwardly to see if there is merit in their other person's accusations or claims. This makes me a gracious, self-aware, self-deprecating, non-confrontational overachiever (say that 5xs fast). On the bad side, I'm riddled with low self-esteem that affects relationships at every level because I constantly view myself as some how lesser (smaller, if you will) than the other person, whether that be a friend, co-worker, or significant other. Here enters the insecure, always-in-my-head-worried-about-how-I'm-perceived me. This, you may be shocked to learn, is not a great way to win friends and influence people. I'm suffering not from the FOMO (fear of missing out -- although, let's be honest, there's a bit of that, too) but from the FOWOT (fear of what other's think). I know, doesn't roll off the tongue, but I think it will catch on.
Anywho, all of this reflection about living small makes me wonder what I can do in 2017 to start living big. To be clear, I'm defining "living big" in less of the Big Pippin' way and more in the Run the World in a pant-suit, Dolly Parton-meets-Rocky Balboa kinda way. I think it all boils down to mental-toughness and self-love. This problem isn't new to me, so I've been chipping away at it for most of my adult life with some success. I think what I want to do in 2017 is identify those successes and live my life more intentionally around them.
Self Help Books - As much as I am a hold-out of my parent's generation's pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps-don't-need-no-stinking-therapy mentality, I've discovered that many of the attributes, attitude, and skills I admire in others can be learned. I don't have to figure it all out on my own...hallelujah! On my night stand is a growing stack of these books that I hope to devour, apply, and reflect upon here.
Diet - While I've become a fairly healthy eater, I remain a terrible dieter. This is something that requires mental toughness to push past stress-eating and achieve results that make me feel healthy, strong and confident. I'm kicking off 2017 with a juice cleanse followed up by a month of paleo dieting. I'll chronicle my journey here and hopefully throw in a recipe or two. Starting weight: 149.6 lbs.
Muay Thai - I started at Short North Muay Thai over two years ago, and it has been the gift that keeps on giving. The other day, our Kru talked about how training the physical is way easier than training the mental. As I start moving from pad work into sparring, I'm learning the depth of that statement. Of course, there is the strategic aspect of sparring -- always looking for an opening, throwing the unexpected strike, understanding your opponent's patterns so that you can defend more effectively. Then there is the raw, more emotional aspect that I constantly battle to keep in check: frustration behind every unreturned or unchecked strike; fear that I will never be as good, as fast, or as powerful as the person in front of me, that nagging voice telling me that I will never have what it takes to be respected. I think I've learned the solution to keeping all of that at bay...just keep showing up. I'll try to focus on the mental breakthroughs here.
Minimize - After my last move, I started trying to minimize my possessions, especially focusing on non-practical items. And it feels so good! Part of it is just feeling liberated from living life in one particular place or way. Part of it is just finding more joy of the immaterial. I want to continue this trend and focus more on blessing others with things they need rather than filling my closet with things I don't need.
Selfies - Yes, you read that right. While the art of the selfie is effortlessly perfected by many, a self-confidence-challenged me hates...nay...dreads the selfie. I actually wouldn't mind not joining in on this trend so much as I generally view selfies as self-aggrandizing, but I find that my lack of wanting to be in front of a camera alone also ruins fun opportunities for being in front of a camera with others...especially loved others. So, when I have nothing else to report on the other areas above, I'm simply going to post a....swallow....selfie. Selfies as a path to self-love...I can dig it.
Happy 2017, Me!
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